This story of a cancer survivor is mine. I’m now 12 years free from breast cancer. Thank goodness. I don’t think I can use words to do justice to the experience of having a life-threatening illness with treatment that nearly kills you (so it kills the cancer) and has horrendous side effects.
So, when someone found out what I’d been through they emailed me suggesting that:
it may be good to discuss how supervisors/employers/co-workers can make this horrifying experience [cancer treatment] more…how should I say it…endurable?
Even the use of the words ‘horrifying experience’ and ‘how should I say it…endurable?’ let me know someone emotionally skilful, sensitive and empathic wrote the email. And having had people say things that really hurt and I’ve never been able to forget, I think it’s important for people to know.
So here goes…
There are some stupid things people say to people with cancer. Like even before my treatment: “I’d always be worried it’s going to come back”. Or: “My colleague worked all the way through her chemo” when getting to the letterbox was totally exhausting for me and became the highlight of my day when I made it there and back.
Serious illness can make you uncomfortable and represent your fears.
Story of a cancer survivor
All cancers are different. There’s not one story. Every cancer survivor has their own story. This is important to remember. We are all different in how we handle surgery, treatments and side effects.
- Some treatment lasts a month or two. Sometimes it continues for months (or more).
- Some people want to return to work as soon as possible. Others need to take it slow.
- It can affect your energy levels, your mental capacity and your emotional agility.
What’s helpful
As her manager or employer, it can be helpful to:
- Find out if she wants others to know (colleagues and clients). Not everyone does. She may even want you to break the news.
- Let her know her sick leave entitlements. Is there anything else you can do that will make it easier? For instance:
- parking or taxi vouchers
- flexible hours
- working from home
- a gradual return to work
- alternative duties.
- Invite her to meetings and social events as you would normally.
And for colleagues too:
- Ask how you can help. Or suggest ways to help and ask if she would like that.
- Ask her how she is. Remember it’s not about you. Don’t turn it back to your experiences or connect it with someone else and their cancer journey. Just listen. If you want to give advice, ask if she would prefer you just listen or if she’d like to hear it.
- There are good days and bad days. Ask is today a good day or bad day and how you can make it easier.
What’s not helpful
- It’s not helpful to comment on their attitude – do people die because they’re weak-minded?
- It’s not helpful to comment on their appearance – some people look surprisingly well when they’re not.
- Don’t say you know how they feel. You can’t.
What if it goes on for a really long time?
It can be tough on you if it goes on for months (or more). And it could. Keep including them unless they ask you not to.
If you start to feel resentful for carrying the load for your ill colleague / employee, or working around them, exercise your empathy muscle. Discuss alternatives. Find a way. Renegotiate deliverables.
I can’t say it better than the person who emailed me. So I asked for permission to reprint it here:
The last thing a career woman needs (or any woman) is to worry about her job or her work getting done or her insurance coverage or her co-workers or how she looks (or is perceived) when she does come in. She shouldn’t have to come in if she can work from home especially on days that she doesn’t feel well or would have difficulty with the commute. She shouldn’t have to worry about working particular hours to maintain her job.
He did all he could because he wanted her to feel like she had choices and that he supported her 100%. He balanced his responsibility for getting the work done with the wellbeing of his employee. No mean feat. He knows first hand that in these circumstances, this is how you build loyalty, happy and healthy work relationships and help people with work/life integration.
As he said:
if people feel loved and appreciated at work and that you truly care about them personally, it makes the ‘and’ part [of work and life integration] work much better.
What a great boss!
As a supervisor / employer / colleague please don’t underestimate your impact. You can make such a positive difference to someone’s recovery and quality of life.
And to all those who supported me in my recovery, including people I’ve never met who read my blog, thank you. Even writing this all these years later is emotional for me.
